Alone

It's been a long time since I have been alone.  Not in a relationship that is.  I have this dream that one day...I will finally be happy in a relationship.  I have been dissapointed and let down on more occassions that I can remember.

Recently I had someone ask me, what they could do to make me happy...I replied and told them what they could do.  Oddly enough they did the opposite.  Sometimes I think that just maybe I"m meant to be alone.

The funny thing is I am never alone.  The Lord is always with me.  But sometimes I wish that I had another human being (a male/man) that I could share laughs and struggles with. 

But until the Lord sends the right person my way, I am alone....although I am never alone.

Road to Recovery

I believe that having great relationships (personal, intimate/non-intimate) is the key to success.  Most importantly the ability to communicate and achieve an understanding/mutual agreement between parties involved.  Thus throughout my life I have prided myself on treating others as I want to be treated.  I cannot say that I have always been treated fairly, but that's life.

On the relationship homefront I have been invloved in some not so healthy relationships that have brought me to the brink of insanity....you know when you just can't seem to think straight and your equalibrium is off.....the crazy part is during that time, it was almost as if I was experiencing an outerbody experience.  I was able to keep a level head even if sometimes my actions did not equate to my rationale.  I trusted my gut instinct and did what felt right.

Because of that I have learned alot about myself, and am embarking on a new road to happiness.  One that will not settle for the okey dokey or be content with something or someone because they feel it is right.  Instead I set out to achieve the goal of pleasing me, without considering anyone else's feelings as I have done in the past; often times pushing my desires, concerns and feelings to the side.

But in this new day, I will no longer do that...instead it is about ME!

My All

I have always given my all when I was in a relationship. Love, support (emotionally, physically and spiritually).  I have had three "boyfriends" and all three of them abused me.  They drained me and took everything that I had and returned nothing but pain, tearing me down.  I have experienced domestic violence (mentally as well as physically).  It has only been because of my spritiuality that I have been able to endure and push on.  The pain that I feel is indescribable.  How could the one that you love and give your all to treat you like s*it.  Degrade you and treat you like you're nothing.

I am so tired that my words can't even convey all the emotions that I have inside.  I have always gave a ear but when it concerns me, there's no return.  I have always known that it's just me, myself, I and GOD. But at the end of the day the human part of me wished that it wasn't that way. 

At times I have to say silent prayers to prevent from acting on thoughts that would certainally land me behind bars.  I tell my mother that I don't want anyone's blood on my hands. I have only wanted someone to give me the same love that I gave them. 

From cars, to money I have given it all...that's me though if you are on my team or I love you, there's nothing that I wouldn't do....but the one's that I have extended myself to have ALWAYS crossed me, and did me wrong. 

Now is the time that I say FU*K everyone, if it ain't about me (benefiting me that is) I don't care....I'm through with giving myself and helping those who are too ignorant to see the Value that I have or to appreciate me.

Say hello to the bad guy, I'm no longer the happy go lucky girl, women, or female that has a love for ALL.  The hate that has been shown to me I am about to return 1000 times over.

They never liked me but now they are going to really hate me because my attitude was f**ked up before but now it's going to be the wrost that they have ever seen.  I am going to treat people the way that they treat me.

The cycle ends today....NO MORE, from this day forward if I feel that you did me some kind of way, I will not turn my cheek.....instead I will act upon those feelings. I pity those who are on this list....

The Way It Is

While I have only been in 3 "serious" relationships, I have dated extensively to say the least lol.  Along the way I have learned a lot about myself, the type of WIFE that I want to be as well as learning what type of man I want as well as don't want.

Growing up in Harlem, NY had it's benefits as well as its drawbacks.  There seem to be only three types of "Wifey's" there....

The first is the "ride/die chick" as she is referred to.  This is a woman who will do any and everything for her man.  Now granted for my significant other there is nothing that I wouldn't do, but these women often do things that aren't beneficial to them for the sake of proving their love to their mate.  Their relationships are often drama filled.  Fortunately I have only expreinced this type of relationship once in my lifetime.  The experience defiantely reinforced the fact that, that just ain't me!

The second type of "Wifey" is the "Hood Sidity" chick.  She has long ago passed the stage of attempting to prove herself to her mate.  She has a certain"air" about her (she believes that she is "holier than though") and "turns her nose up" at common folk.

The third "Wifey" is the "wallflower".  She is the good girl who has no idea about the "wilder lifestyle", she didn't party much and for the most part is very passive.

I have never been one to fit myself into a label.  I aspire to be a great wife nonetheless.  I feel that there has to be a balance (thus I consider myself the best of both worlds).  I feel that a female needs to be Savvy ("booksmart" as the call it) and have a little edge to her (experience gained from life "streetsmart" as they call it).

It is very hard to keep the balance when you're walking the "tightrope" of relationships coming from where I come from. 

Karrine Steffans bka "Superhead" made a very interesting statement in her new book she says that "there are the guys who are for a good time, and guys who are for a good life." 

I have learned that while everyone enjoys a good time, EVERYONE (with common/good sense) strives to have a good life. The type of man you choose to be involved with most certantily will dictate the type of life that you have.

The Choice Is Yours!

Relationship Theory

There are two sayings that are my motto's when it comes to relationships.  The first is one that my father told me when I was a young girl:

"You shouldn't be with a man if he can't take care of you, but you shouldn't need a man to take care of you."

I couldn't have been more than 8 when my father bestowed those jewels upon me.  At the time I didn't have a clue as to what he was talking about.  Although I did believe that his words were very important.  As I grew up, I began to understand what my father meant that day when he spoke those words. 

My second motto is one that I came up with on my own:

Although a man copmpletes me he doesn't define me. As Weezy said "I know my role and I play it well". 

You see to me a realtionship is about balance, compromise, communication and TRUST. I am not the average female who believes that a man is a meal ticket or that having a child is a lottery ticket.  I have always believed that a couple should work as a team to achieve common goals.

I have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to relationships,  I have been the stay at home girlfriend as well as the sole bread winner.  I have always openly admitted that I do not have a problem with taking care of my man.  To me certain tasks aren't role specific.

My Man

I have dreamed about my man many nights.  He is the type of man that causes your heart to flutter, and your mind to think erotic thoughts.  Intelligent and humourous are just two of his characterisitcs.  Gentle but firm that's the best way to discribe him.

He's confident, outspoken and adventurous.  But above all he loves me. 

Me, the imperfect, confident, women who sometimes needs a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen and a partner I can trust.  He knows ALL of my secrets and FLAWS.  But to him they don't matter, because I am me.